All of a sudden i wonder how long can i take it before i breakdown.




This has nv really happen to me before during my 'O's n i definitely won't wan it to happen to me during my 'A's. But the way things are happening ard me now, it jus seems that breaking down is inevitable.




My horrifying block test results, pressure and expectations form teachers, stressed from peers and family and the environment i'm in.




Sometimes upon reflection, i wonder is it really the environment ard me that is hindering me or is it that i'm not good enough? Maybe it is aabit of both or i shldn't even use maybe. IT IS.




It jus gets so fustrating when u did study for your test or exams n the results u get back are atrocious and far from expectations. Especially since after i got or i heard from my teacher my chem results. It is horrifying and devastating. I jus feel crashed, thrown around like a lifeless dummy after hearing it.




Once again, i did not pass. I jus feel so angry and lousy and how impossible can it be. I studied for the test. I memorise all the reactions n in the end all my hard work and effort paid off for a fail?




And i'm so afraid to let my parents see my results. This time i fail all 3 subjects. 3!!! N my 'A's are getting so close and i'm not even making any improvement. I stayed up till the wee hours to study to complete my assignment and some of my classmates nv even do their work n they can jus pass! How fair is that? I worked myself till i'm always tired n i don always get what i feel i shld deserved.




My teachers (esp my maths teacher) is giving tremendous amount of stress. I feel stressful when i attend his lesson n even when i see him. I'm alreading trying my best to complete his tutorial and to study for my test to pass and even try to ace them. Yet when i get back my results, it is always a fail. Sometimes attending his lesson is jus nerve-breaking.




Sometimes i blame it on the environment i'm in right now. But i can't always blame it. My hse is noisy. ALWAYS. with my nephew n nieces running, screaming, fighting, quarelling in my hse it jus so hard to concentrate. n when they are so peaceful, watching their fav tv program i feel so happy. Sometimes i jus wonder y can't they jus go home n leave my hse. HEY THIS IS MY HOUSE! you have a hse yourself n u jus can't live there for even more than 10 hrs? Sometimes it jus get so noisy that i can't take it anymore, i jus wanna scream at them, chase them out of my house. But i can't. I have to consider for my parents, my auntie n whatever stuff. But do my cousins n their child spare a thought not only for me but my family? NO!




I'm jus feeling so demoralised, depressed, down, dead n whatever D words to describe me. I'm jus so afraid i can't make it for my 'A's. i also afraid that when i breakdown what will i do, what will happen to me?




Will i go bersek, running and screaming ard my hse, chasing pple out?


OR




Will i become so pissed off with my environment that i run away from home? Live at the parks? Bath at public toilets?




OR




Will i jus do the most foolish thing ever on earth. Committing suicide?




I'm really afraid. n i hate what i'm going thro now. This really sux.




I wonder if i can ever find motivation and strength to keep on moving. Or will i jus die halfway upon this path i've chosen?