sometimes..i feel very out of place..no matter who i'm with, no matter where i m. i feel lost and lonely. i'm all alone in a dark dark land. and there's no one out there to help me..except for myself.




No one.

wahahh!! finally i've uploaded this picture. look at it closely n u'll see e error!! HAHHA..so funny. aunty ber spotted it under a block, beside a kopitiam where we were having lunch after our swim. HAHA. ask her to take it n send it to me. HAHA.










if onlyuknowhowifeel..
butudon't
nhowamisupposetosayit
whenuhavesomeoneinurheart??

A fren told me this :

"True Frenz no matter how far we are apart, in our hearts we know we are still true frenz"

It is a bad week and i do not wish to elaborate more. Because i'm afraid tt the more i start to say all over again, the emo i'll get again. I'm trying hard to rid off this emo feeling but it is hard. So maybe trying to come here n type some stuff might jus help.



I'm kinda slapping my own face right? Saying tt i'm not going to say much abt what happened, yet still saying coming here to type some stuff to try n de-emo myself.



Maybe i'm jus feeling fustrated at e HQ and at myself. The HQ definitely has some fucked-up pple to disgust u and make u pissed off. I'm angry at myself for making myself feel so much abt it. Like as if i'm totally involved in it. I think i'm emotionally too attached to what has happened.



Managed to get some comfort from the comments aunty ng gave. It was really useful. Made me feel slightly more relieved. Now all tt i'm angry and worried is abt the time. I'm afraid tt it will take too long and they will take some actions, giving him post or appointment that he shouldn't hold and thus hurting him and making him lose confidence as well as emo-ing over it.



Hate to see or envision any of my fren being like tt. It breaks ur heart like as if their ur own child. Also hate pple tt make fun of my frens or making nasty comments when he is down.



ARRRGH!!!!!!!!!!! LET THE STEAM OF!! PSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Ok, at least it does helped a little.



Sometimes a little is all i need to make myself feel better.

Sadness and anger ruled over me today. I think i have the slightest idea why. Same old people, same old problems.

wooo..so long nv update. abt a month. kinda bored now so came over here to blog abit but i have no idea on what to blog. Everytime when i wanna blog, i can't. cos the com is bein used. now when e com is free i have nothig to blog abt. BORING~~

I think a**y is making me stupid. Abt a week ago my fren asked me a simple math question n i couldn't give a logical ans to him. Somehow while i was reading the question and trying to come up with a logical reasoning my brain starting to object very violently. I couldn't think properly at all. So much for telling us to use our brains...i think it is degrading our brains. Maybe we are trained to have muscles n no brains. AHHA. Whatever i'm ranting rubbish.

Just had this sudden urge to blog. To come and see this empty space where it will be filled by words and letters in no time. But i do not know what to write or say. Jus had this sudden feeling of loneliness loomed over me. Lonely n bored. Or was it the fact tt i cannot differentiate loneliness and boredom? ok..i'm starting to rumble off again.



anyway some randomness.


I WANT A NEW BAG!


I WANT A NEW SET OF HAIR. haha. yes i still don like my hair now. or maybe it is me.


I DON WAN TO BE PLAGUE BY FLU, SORE THROAT AND COUGH!


I WANT TO FLY AWAY TO SOMEHWERE NICE!


I WANT TO SLEEP ALL I WANT AND DO NOTHING.



There seems to be too much i wan. i'm too greedy. i hate politics and having the feeling that i need to wayang to be gd. SHIT this stuff. **** is a fucked up place.

All of a sudden i jus feel so lonely, so angry and so tired. Tired of hearing them cry, tired of seeing my parents getting so worked up, tired of going home and yet it doesn't feels like homw at all. Tired of so many things. Like i've told someone, sometimes i wld rather stay in camp then to go home. At least in camp there is more peace then at home. at least in camp i have frens whom i can talk to. At least in camp, maybe i feel abit happier.



Now all of a sudden i feel that i can talk to no one. Because no one wans to listen to me whine abt e same old stuff everytime. Complain abt every single thing that i don't like and i also feel that i can't jus tok to anyone. Also, i feel that maybe all these are jus childish feelings of myself. Maybe i'm not mature enough, so if i tell anyone they wld jus think that i'm jus childish.



So since i can't talk to anyone, i might as well tell it to my blog. For in case, when i can't hold e silence any longer i do not know what i'll do or say. Maybe i'll just turn crazy or maybe i'll jus commit suicide. See, foolish thoughts.



I'm just sick n tired.

Sometimes army can be a very scary place. A slip of tongue can costs u ur whole future. And obviously sometimes u shld just shut ur mouth.



That is what i've learned today. My tongue just slipped. I was lucky enough not to get my ass burnt. Feeling rather lousy and depressed. Becos pple will definitely think diff of me now and it might be very negatively. N i hate it.



ARRGHHH..n i feel abit awkward as well. Feel abit hard facing my boss. ARRRGH!! think it will take some time to get rid off this feeling. hai..hope no ill feeling will be done. Well, there are worst cases than mine. ok, even though saying that does not cheer me up any bit.



BOOO!!!! hope everything will be better soon!!!



Ren yi shi feng ping lang jing


Tui yi bu hai guo tian kong

Somehow this period of time feels very weird. I don feel like who i am anymore. There seems to be alot of thigs going on. Like the people ard me. At the beginning i put up a barrier btwn mw n them cos i do not know hwo they are. Even as time passes sometimes the barrier is still being formed.



Sometimes, I just feel that i'm being tested. Being judged. Everyday, by different pple. And the test isn't easy, it isn't the normal test. The test is me myself. I have to deal with topics like self-esteem, confidence level, my skills, ability to adapt well, my wayang-ness, my initiative, my eloquence n also my fashion sense. I may have left out some others but more or less it is this few topics. I guessed i fair quite low. Seriously.



Sometimes i just wanna give away my post or just let my upperstudy continue doing it. Despite the fact that, many times he have told me he dislike being e runner or he is sick n tired of it, i think he is jus lying subconsciously. NOTE, i say subconsciously. Cos from what i observed, he isn't. He likes the attention, the recognition. Sometimes he is just so gd and when i stand beside him i feel so lousy, like i shldn't even be his successor. Well, obviously there is also someone else he wld like to be his understudy. I know for sure it is definitely not me.



Sometimes i really wonder, WHY ME? Why can't my superior, they chose themselves? Maybe it wld have been better. Maybe now, i'm not even having the post now. Maybe my life now wld be simpler n easier.



The only thing that really keep me going is that i know i'm not the only one and i'm glad that i have pple who have been encouraging me n supporting me. It great to have frens like them.

Woot finally found e time to update. But it seems that i've actually have no idea on what to blog abt. Anyway next week will be a busy week. haha. N i'm so angry cos i cldn't get e shirt i wanted! BOO! yes..i think i need to get a new belt, wallet, shirt, maybe a few other pants n new smell! haha. N all tt cost money. n i'm currently broke n i'm still over-spending on food!!



some how it seems tt going into main body is making me even poorer. AHHA. spending even more than i shld. Well, running out of words n ideas for this entry. Ohh..n i did something sinful this week. HAHA. i sort of betrayed my sis, but in a gd way. Or at least i think it is gd. hahaha. Anyway i guess she wldn't know. haha. I'll post more next time!

Still wondering if i'm really e most suitable candidate for the job. Well, this also means i've no confidence in myself n i myself am doubting if i can meet up to such high expectations and doubting my own capabilities. IF pple trust me and acknowledge my effort and hard work and that is why they gave me e current job i shld be sure of myself as well right?



Hai..i'm still searching for proper answers to assure myself. Everyday seems so challenging.



Anyway was suppose to visit the bank today but i didn't. BOO! has pushed my plan even further. Was jus thinking a moment ago why my family is just so diff from the other families ard. So many examples to cite but i think i shldn't. Who knows it might jus make me resent my family, which is a bad thing. haha. but i guess i wouldn't want to do that. I think i sort of understand what sis is saying now. I feel the pain she is feeling. But what to do? The only answer or explanation i was given is time. Yes, TIME.

Finally!! i'm updating my blog after sooooooooo long. YES!!! 2 more weeks n my training course gonna end!! YES!! they cut it short due to manpower problem. hahahha. This coming week is going to be a very hectic n tough week. N i'm dreading it. haha.



N!! i'm spending sooooo much this month also!! been to party world n k-box to sing n destress!! haha. so shoik!! then went to buy a pair of jeans from bod.bodynits at only $42!! all their bottoms only $42, cos they having sales. n e price of e jeans was originally $83.90. haha. so i paid only 1/2 price! so shoik to spend $$. haha. Which means i'm also broke. But tt didn't stop me from watching HAIRSPRAY today! the show is damn gd! very nice. Worth e $$. haha.



Can't wait for this week to be over. Everything shld be easier by then i guess. 15 Sept. I'm looking forward for this day!

ARGH!!! I'm now having e depression mood again!!! YES!! AGAIn!!! n i hate it! jus can't seem to find something nice to lok forward to. Booking in tml morning. e post activity after e half marathon has been a truly waste of $$ n my time. It wasn't fun at all. It brought my mood down!!!! RARR!!!! boobooboo!!

9 more weeks!

Yes!!! I've completed 5 weeks of training! N this coming mon marks the end of my first phase of AIT! This is a super fast passing week. Almost everyday we are outfield having training.



As usual, donkey is being super irritating. Trying to lead and yet his leading skills really sux! He doesn't know how to sacrifice or to take the initiative as a leader yet he is able to boss pple ard to do such things. Yes, leaders delegate jobs to pple, not to boss pple ard. Moreover, there wasn't even any job assigned to him.



He is getting on everyone's nerves. Part of me wans to win him in every possible way so as to tell him that there is someone better ard u, u are notas gd as the one that u think u are. Yet part of me jus wan to shut him from my system. To disregard his existence. Well, of course it feels great to see his annoyed expression when i was given the post he wanted so much and also the equipment i could use or at least hold on to for a longer time compared to him.



Anyway other than donkey someone else is also very irritating. Maybe he is enforcing or given orders to enforce such rules but i still feel that he is really a huge egoistic monster tt is super rigid. Also a little dumb to use such a term " reasonably unreasonable ". Makes my jaw drop onto the ground with a loud thud.



Ok enough of them. NDP is coming soon! 2 more weeks!!! But i guess i'll be missing it. YES!! E whole performance! cos of booking in. ARGH!! SO FUSTRATING!! HOW I WISH I COULD WATCH THE SHOW!! hmm..but nothing is confirmed right? all these are speculations. hahaha.



I also wanna watch the simpsons, transformers n read the harry potter book 7 at the same time!!!! SO much i wanna do, but so limited amt of time to do them.

OK! it has been a month since i've last updated this blog. So far everything is still ok. Finishing my phase 1 of my course soon. There were so many things i want to say e previous time or yest, but it jus seems tt i've forgotten abt it. Well, what to say now? hahhaa. lost for words. Just hope this week pass quick enough too.

Well, all is fine now. ahaha. Of course with much help from my family. There are the ones that could really pull u up when you are really really very down. Of course, i can't forget my frens either who have been encouraging me. haha. Though it may sounds like something major happened, all seems so tiny now. Yeah! i'm once again a happy man! haha.

It is hard to describe my feelings now. Well, it is more on e negative side. More of disappointment n sadness. Didn't understand why i get tt posting. Somehow i took it as a form of insult. I find it hard to take it positively despite all e encouragements n concerns my frens gave me. I could only appear to look cheerful or let them feel i'm ok, but deep down i know there is still this aching feeling. A feeling so hard to get rid of.



But who knows, maybe i might grow to like it. And as far as i know i'm not e only one. Yet, i still can't settle myself down. It is so hard. So very hard. How i wish i cld be with e rest as well, n how i remember i use to daze abt e future i might have. But now in an instant, they're gone. PUFF! just like tt. so demoralising, how unmotivative and maybe a disgrace as well.



Maybe i've take it too hard, too personal. But there is no other way i can make myself feel better. Even esp after i heard my dad's rxn. Maybe all this is just bullshit. The system is jus so wierd and unpredictable. It is in accurate i wld say. Or maybe i thought too highly of myself. Whatever e reasons are, there is no way i can change anything, except of how i'm going to enjoy my future. It will be hard, but i'm willing to try. It is jus a short term isn't. Jus a short term.

It is always great to be back to civilisation compare to staying in field. Field camp is finally over. Well it is a great experience to be out there in e field. Slepping in e field, digging trench and learning all sorts of things such as how u react in e forest if u were atack by an enemy. All very interesting and exciting n fresh. All are very new to me.




Of course not only these events are enjoyable n unforgettable but also tt i didn't brush my teeth for 5 days, bath for less than 5 mins on e 4th day and got cuts while digging e shellscrape for 5 hrs. Also shitting side by side with uur frens. haha. All these are fun n unforgettable.




All in all field camp is generally fun, but tiring n really can irritates e hell out of pple. haha. shan't elaborate more. too lazy.




As for today i went to beach road with raphael to get some items. Then went to orchard to meet amos, jihad, nicholas and ka siang for late lunch/early dinner. Then went to shop ard orchard. Me n raphael wanted to try all e branded clothes n after tt jus leave w/o buying them. HAhHA. but unfortunately we didn't do tt. haha. had a great day today outside hanging ard.




Booking in tml at 1910 to 1925. Yours truly is once again tired n needs rest. haha. GOOD NIGHT EVERYONE!